Was Ricky Gervais holding back this year? Hosting the Golden Globes for the third time, the comedian opened Sunday's awards show by ribbing Eddie Murphy for pulling out as Oscar host ("When the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble") and NBC for being America's third-place network (oh, actually, fourth).
He did get in a few zingers. His five best jabs were aimed at:
His own manhood -- "No profanity: That's fine, I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity: See that's a shame because I've got a huge [pause] vocabulary. But a tiny penis."
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Justin Bieber's manhood -- "Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been! No, he's not the father. The only way he could have impregnated a girl is if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters ... open wide!"
Jodie Foster's Beaver. Or beaver -- "I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films and especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver. I haven't seen it myself. ... But that doesn't mean it's not good."
God -- "You don't need to thank everyone you've ever met, or members of your family, who have done nothing. Just do the main two: your agent and God ... I know for a fact that both God and my agent had exactly the same amount of input in my career."
The Tourist, again -- "Are you on recreational drugs? ... Have you seen The Tourist yet?" he asked Johnny Depp, who confessed: "Uh, no.")
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And these five would-be zingers were directed at:
Actors -- "Amazingly, [defecating in a sink, a la Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids] is still less demeaning than what all of you have done to make it in show business."
Elton John -- "Our next presenter is the queen of pop. Not you, Elton. Sit down."
Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas -- "They're ridiculously gorgeous specimens ... and probably very interesting ..." The rest of joke was censored by NBC, but our lip-reading skills lead us to believe he continued, "but you can't f---ing understand a word they say."
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Colin Firth and his clean image -- "What you don't know about him is he's very racist. I mean, really nasty stuff. I've also seen him punch a little blind kitten. Please welcome the evil Colin Firth."
Natalie Portman taking time off for her baby -- "Consequently, she's been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she's learned that valuable lesson that all you already learned: Never put family first."
How do you think Gervais did this year? Was he too cautious? Sound off in the comments below.
View original Ricky Gervais' 10 Best and Worst Golden Globe Jabs at TVGuide.com
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